The Great Wall of Israel
Through out history countries have built walls to keep their enemies away from them. During the Ming Dynasty China built a great 4,000 mile wall to keep the Mongols off their land. After World War II the Germans built a wall to divide East and West Berlin. The Koreans built a wall to keep the Northerners away from the Southerners. Now Israel too wants their very own wall!
Walls are great from keeping your enemies out or in some cases for preventing your own people from escaping. They also clearly define borders so there is no mistaking where the property lines are drawn and whose land your on. Israel needs a wall for these very purposes. They would like to keep the Palestinians out and prevent them from entering Israel from the West Bank or Gaza to commit acts of terrorism. The Israelis and Palestinians also have difficulty defining the borders of their land. This wall could solve both of these problems!
This wall is going to be 703 kilometers (436 miles) long. Approximately 58% has already been constructed and 9% is currently under construction. They have built one wall in Gaza which is much less controversal than the one they are currently building around the West Bank.
This wall has state-of-the-art security in many areas, with trenches, multiple fences, sand, cameras, and military patrol roads to keep people from crossing the barriers without being caught. Click on the image above to see a detailed description of the wall and it’s security features.
This wall has been a source of outrage among many Palestinians they do not want a wall built around their land. They feel that the Israelis are Nazis for building this wall. First of all they feel that Israel does not have the right to exist and that all land currently occupied by Israel currently belongs to them. So they could never agree on where the wall should be because as far as they are concerned Israel should not be entitled to any land. Secondly, they are heavily dependent on Israel for aid, food, jobs, etc. and as much as they say they hate the Israelis, they refuse to stay away from them for long.
As I see it the wall is a great solution. Palestine wants their own separate states, this wall would keep them divided from Israel and they would have their own nation. I know this would upset them because they rely heavily on assistance from Israel and they cannot last long without their occasional suicide bombing.
At various spots on the wall you will find lots of Graffiti, done both by Palestinians and Israelis. They use this wall as a giant kickboard to express their emotional, political, and religious anger. You will find peaceful, friendly graffiti among hatred and anti-semetic rhetoric. The Palestinians always love to blame the United States and George Bush for everything. I wonder if they will treat the new president elect, Barack Hussein Obama, the same way. It will be tough especially since he has a Muslim name and heritage. I am sure that they greatly miss having George Bush to point the finger of blame.
Some of the Graffiti is more creative. Above is graffiti drawn on the Palestinian side which shows a terrorist pulling the wall aside to reveal paradise on the Israeli side. This was either drawn as propeganda by the Palestinians to encourage others to breach the wall or by the Israelis to rub in their faces that their side is better, cleaner, more sophisticated, smarter, and safer than the lawless, dirty, poor, crime infested, uncivilized Palestinian side.
Either way this propeganda seems to work and the Palestians often find ways to tear down the Israeli wall and enter their lands. They are now free to bomb around the country!
In some cases Palestinians have gone as far as knocking down radio towers and used them to climb over the wall into Israel. Wow, they really want to visit their Israeli friends on the other side. They have a love-hate relationship with them. Palestinians are even worse than Mexicans! They see getting over this wall as a challenge and they live and breathe to get over it. They have even more dedication that most Mexicans do in regards to hopping over walls. The Israeli wall is far better defended than America’s great wall!
By better defended I mean that Israel has
Ari Shaffir: Strikes Crazy Muslims at a Mosque
Check out the video below. The Amazing Racist, Ari Shaffir, goes to a mosque and stirs it up by messing with several groups of crazy Muslims. This video is a definite riot, you won’t want to miss it!
Rachel Corrie: The Little Liberal Girl that Couldn’t
Many people have heard of Rachel Corrie, the 23 year old American Peace Activist who was killed by an Israeli Defense Force (IDF) armoured bulldozer.
She appeared to have been killed while protesting against the destruction of Palestinian homes by the IDF in the Gaza Strip. However the details surrounding what she was doing and how she died are heavily disputed. The Israeli Military says that based on their investigation that her death appeared to be an accident, however the Rachel’s group, the International Solidarity Movement (ISM) insists that Corrie was deliberately run over.
I say that this was a case of an ultra-liberal, tree hugger playing chicken with an armoured Caterpillar D9 bulldozer and losing.
In the movie above Rachel Corrie makes Israel appear to be the aggressor and oppressor, but in fact during the time Corrie was in Gaza the Palestinian terror war against Israel had just entered it’s 30th month. Of the 1,700 Palestinians killed, 53% were known combatants, and another 17% were killed by other Palestinians, leaving a 30% civilian casualty rate. However, of the 650 Israelis killed, over 82% were civilians.
Corrie had a history of promoting anti-Israel, anti-American rhetoric, there are numerous photos out there of her playing in traffic and burning the American flag. She was killed promoting the Palestinian terrorists’ murderous campaign against Israel by obstructing Israeli efforts to destroy tunnels used to smuggle weapons and explosives from Egypt to refugee camps inside Rafah on the Gaza Strip.
The bulldozer she was trying to stop was part of an operation to eliminate tunnels used by Palestinian terrorists to illegally smuggle weapons and explosives from Egypt into Gaza.
The photos show Corrie standing atop a mound of dirt as the bulldozer approaches, but then falling backwards, tumbling down the mound and out of sight. The bulldozer continued and accidentally crushed her with it’s blade. She was never run over.
The autopsy claimed that Rachel Corrie died of major head and chest injuries, however in the picture below she does not appear to have major head or chest injuries. She was said to complain about her broken back.
Actual video footage from the Israeli Defense Forces video shows the real circumstances under which the terrorist loving anarchist died; knee-deep in a trench in the middle of dirt in an open dirt field protecting a smuggling tunnel. The left arrow on the photo below points to the tractor, the right arrow shows the kneeling Rachel Corrie.
The video also shows that the soldiers repeatedly warned demonstrators to keep a safe distance.
Rachel Corrie was a volunteer with the International Solidarity Movement. She was known for anti-Israel and anti-American activities, such as the photo above of Corrie burning an American flag in front of a group of small Palestinian children. I guess she’s teaching them *proper values* at a young age.
The Washington Post makes two important points:
1) The soldiers driving the armored bulldozer have limited visibility because of the narrow windows.
2) One of the ISM founders admits that the protesters might not have been as disciplined in their protest as they should have been and were too close to the bulldozer.
Most media reports fail to mention that the IDF bulldozer was looking for smuggling tunnels. Instead, the reports described the bulldozer trying to tear down a house sympathetically known as “the home of a Gazan pharmacist”. The entire mainstream media also neglected to mention Corrie’s anti-American activities and flag-burning.
It is also known that Joseph Smith from the International Solidarity Movement (ISM) faked the photo below to make it seem like Rachel was protecting a house rather than terrorist smuggling tunnels. Below they outline some of the issues with this photo that proved that this photo was a fake.
A full investigation conducted by a branch of the Israeli judiciary concluded that Rachel Corrie, who was in a closed military zone and interfering with IDF operational activities, was killed by accident.
“The driver at no point saw or heard Corrie,” a military source said. “She was standing behind debris which obstructed the view of the driver and the driver had a very limited field of vision due to the protective cage he was working in.”
“The driver and his commanders were interrogated extensively over a long period of time with the use of polygraph tests and video evidence. They had no knowledge that she was standing in the path of the tractor. An autopsy of Corrie’s body revealed that the cause of death was from falling debris and not from the tractor physically rolling over her,” the sources state.
“It was a tragic accident that never should have happened,” the source said.
“The International Solidarity Movement, to which Corrie belonged, was directly responsible for illegal behavior and conduct in the area of Corrie’s death and their actions directly led to this tragedy,” the source concluded. (Jerusalem Post)
Club Cruz released the following 3 videos (click links to view):
I agree with these statements, it appeared that Rachel Corrie and the other protesters were clearly interfering with IDF operations in a military zone. The operator of the bulldozer accidentally killed her because she was too close to the machine. This same thing might have happened if she was standing too close to a bulldozer at any regular construction site. Construction workers frequently get killed by accident while working around heavy construction equipment and I feel that something similar happened with Rachel Corrie.
Rachel Corrie was still alive at the time that she was brought to a Palestinian hospital, Najar hospital in Rafah. However, the hospital’s director, Dr. Ali Moussa, stated that “Corrie was already dead from massive head and chest injuries by the time she arrived”.
Rachel Corrie was accidentally killed in Gaza when she stood on top of a mound of dirt as a bulldozer was destroying tunnels used by Palestinian terrorists to illegally smuggle weapons and explosives from Egypt into Gaza. She fell backwards, down the mound, and the bulldozer’s blade accidentally hit her. She was NOT acting as a ‘human shield’ to prevent targeted houses being demolished. Rafah is a border crossing where Palestinians regularly dig tunnels to smuggle arms. The IDF was there to destroy these tunnels, some of which end inside houses, and those houses were destroyed with the tunnels.
The media show angelic photos of Rachel Corrie rather than a more truer picture of who she was, which one can easily find on the internet of her holding an assault rifle or burning an American Flag among a group of small Palestinian children. Her face was the face of a hate-filled fanatic.
Most media reports omit the following:
a) Corrie was a member of the radical ISM well known for their anti-Israel and anti-American activities, including providing food and aid to terrorists, flag burning, and resistance.
b) The soldiers repeatedly warned demonstrators to keep a safe distance.
b) One of the ISM founders admits the protesters might not have been as disciplined in their protest as they should have been and may have been too close to the bulldozer.
If you do not keep a safe distance from bulldozers at work, there is a chance you might be injured or killed. She did, and she was.
Important Points:
a) The bulldozer was NOT demolishing houses
b) The bulldozer was excavating tunnels dug to smuggle arms and explosives to murder innocent people.
c) The pictures and the story shown by Reuters are a scam, they were taken elsewhere, not at the Rafa site, and not before the accident.
d) The issue of Rachel Corrie being a hate-filled antisemite is relevant to this incident.
e) Israel and the IDF have been unfairly and maliciously maligned, and I have both a duty of care, and a right to challenge injustice and present the facts.
Make Money w/Text Messages and Jew the Cell Phone Companies
Here we will explain an old Jewish trick to make some easy money off of all the large cell phone companies. With this trick you will be going to all the cellphone stores in your area, signing up all the demo phones with your own premium text messaging service, and making $9.99 per month, per phone!
The more phones you sign up, the more money you will make. Read on to find out how.
Have you ever received any random spam text messages? Every now and then I receive a random text message on my cellphone. They seem to be spam messages. The same type of spam messages that you might receive in your email. It might be a daily horoscope reading, it might be a random stock pick, it might be a weather report, or it could just be some type of advertising spam trying to sell me something.
After receiving one of these messages my natural tendency is to either delete or ignore the message. It totally resembles email spam so why not treat it the exact same way? I would bet that the majority of people who receive these types of spam text messages have the same type of reaction and just delete the message.
You may find at times that these spam text messages reoccur and other times they may not.
Either way at the end of the month you may get your cell phone bill and find that you were charged an additional $5.99 for what they call a “third-party text messaging service”.
After receiving these additional charges on my bill, I did what any Jew would do and I immediately called up the cell phone company to dispute these charges. I asked them what these additional charges were for and they told me that they were for a premium text messaging service. They go on to tell me that I cannot cancel this third-party text messaging service or get a refund through the cell phone company because these charges are from a third-party company and not from my actual cell phone provider. They won’t even identify this third-party company or tell me who I can contact for a refund.
They tell me that all I can do is to reply to all future text messages of this nature with the words: STOP, END, or CANCEL and the text messages will no longer occur. This will handle canceling these text messages from here on out, but it will not refund any current or previous charges.
So what does this mean? You will still be charged for the text messages that you have received regardless of whether or not your cancel the service immediately after receiving one of these messages. This “third-party” company will still be getting between $0.99-$9.99 for sending you a single text message!
This caused me to immediately check my previous cell phone bills from past months and I found that there were similar charges over the previous months that I did not even notice! I calculated that over the course of a two year period these “third-party” text messaging companies had Jewed me out of a total of $312.75. This initially made me really angry, but once I put on my Jew-cap I realized that this was an ingenious business model and like any other self-righteous Jew I wanted in on the action!
I would bet that at least 70% of the people who receive these types of text messages don’t even realize that they are being charged for these extra text messaging services and just pay their bills without ever noticing.
Background
This type of “third-party” text message billing service is known as Reverse SMS Billing or as a Premium Text Messaging Service where companies can bill a customer through an SMS text message. This even goes beyond just charging a customer for a text message. Services like PayPay or GPay allow people to send and transfer money via SMS text message. People can even charge money to their cell phone account with similar types of services.
Where the money goes?
I did some quick research on third-party text message billing and found that these companies only make between one-half to one-third of what they bill out to their customers. The cell phone companies take one-third of the money and the payment gateway service also gets one-third. Leaving one-third to this “third-party” service.
So if this texting service only charges 99 cents per month and bills 30,000 people their cut will be approximately $10,000 per month. If they bump up what they charge to $4.99 per month they will be making over $45,000 per month!
So how do YOU set up this type of service?
Companies like TextMarks or Telemedia allow people to set up their own premium text messaging services for free!
TextMarks is the easiest premium text messaging billing service to use and it allows people to set up a keyword for use on their short code of 41411.
You could set up the keyword, FastCash, and when anyone sends an SMS text with the word, FastCash, to 41411. They would be signed up for your premium SMS service for either $4.99 or $9.99 per month depending on how much you want to charge for your service.
Now the difficult part will be advertising and getting people to sign up for your keyword. That is unless you want to go the mass spamming route like many companies out there do. However, there is one other easy trick to gain subscribers!
Bill the Cell Phone Companies!
Why not charge the cell phone companies themselves with your premium text messaging service? Simply go to all the cell phone stores in your area and sign up all the demo phones for your premium text messaging service!
Each of these demo phones will be billed monthly for your service.
Just in a ten mile radius from my home outside of Cedarhurst, NY there are 5 AT&T stores, 5 Verizon stores, 4 Sprint/Nextel stores, 3 T-Mobile stores, and 1 Helio store. These 18 cell phone stores had a total of 456 demo phones which I was able to sign up for my $9.99 a month service.
So even after the cellphone companies take their 33% cut and TextMarks (the SMS billing gateway) takes their 33% cut, I am left with around $3.33 per subscriber, which is great! So with 456 subscribers at $3.33 per month I am making an easy $1518.48 per month. That’s enough to cover rent even in some of the most posh parts of Jew York City!
PROCESS SUMMARY
1) Go to TextMarks and sign up a for a text message keyword on the 41411 shortcode.
2) Set up your keyword for premium billing and charge either $4.99 or $9.99 per month.
3) Go to all of your local cell phone stores and use all their demo phones to sign up for your 41411 keyword.
4) Repeat this process on more demo phones at other cell phone stores.
5) Wait for TextMarks to mail you a monthly check. It will be $1.50 per subscriber if you charge $4.99 or $3.00 per subscriber if you charge $9.99.
The more subscribers you get the more money you will make! This billing also reoccurs every month!
I got my first check last month for $1,518.48 and this is just getting started! I plan on heading into downtown Jew York City where there are hundreds of cellphone stores containing thousands and thousands of demo phones! Things will just keep getting better and better and I will keep making more and more money!
Jewish Girls Gone Wild
Some of the craziest, wildest, and kinkiest girls in the world are Jewish Girls! It’s never difficult to find them letting loose. I always love to see them combine their Jewish culture with their sexiness.
Below is a video of a small selection of hot Jewish women, many of them are from Israel. This land produces a diverse array of some of the finest women in the world, from sexy blue eyed blonds to exotic tan skinned brunettes. Check out the video below to see a small selection of some of the hottest Jewish women in the world.
Check out the Jewish hotties hanging out at a Mediterranean resort below. Anyone want to take a trip to Club Med? No tanning bed could ever compare to the tan that they could get in the hot Israeli desert sun. Tan lines can destroy a perfect tan so it’s never hard to find them tanning naked or at least topless.
Jewish Lesbians
The recent global acceptance of alternative lifestyles has given birth to an entirely new phenomenon: Jewish Lesbains. A night out on the town in Tel Aviv or even Hempstead (NYC) never fails to provide a couple of hot young Jewish women making out and getting nasty. Below are just a few pictures of hot Jewish Lesbians getting intimate with each other.
There is no denying the ancestry of these fine lesbian hotties. You would never find noses like that on any other nationalities of women, so you can rest assured that these Hebrew Hotties are 100% thoroughbred.
The Gaza Strip
The carpet should always match the curtains. Therefore it’s important for Hebrew Hotties to make sure that the carpet also matches their culture. This isn’t Brazil, nor is it the Amazon Jungle, therefore when it comes to the question of Clean Shaven, Trimmed, or Full Bush… Israeli women should pick one option, the Gaza Strip.
Nick Berg: The Headless Jew
Most people have heard about Nick Berg, the freelance telecommunications worker who went to Iraq in March 2004 and was captured by Islamic Militants. Berg was beheaded by these insurgents and a video showing his decapitation was posted on the Islamic al-Ansars website.
His killers claimed that his death was carried out to avenge abuses of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers at Abu Ghraib prison. The CIA claimed that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi personally beheaded Berg, however some of the circumstances surround this execution seem rather suspicious.
Below is the actual video sent by the insurgents to the al-Ansars website. Click the picture to download and play the video in Windows Media Video format (.WMV), we tried to convert this video to Flash swf or flv but we lost quite a bit of the video quality in the process.
The video above appears to be the execution of Nick Berg, however there are several obvious problems with this video. First off Doctor Raul Castro Guevara, a surgeon and forensic expert in Mexico City, says that there is no way that the individual in the video was alive with his heart pumping while his neck was being cut. The doctor adds that in these cases, while the heart is pumping, cutting a person’s artery in the neck, would cause huge amounts of blood to spurt all over the immediate environment. When the executioner holds up Berg’s head immediately following what is represented as an actual decapitation of a living person, there is no significant blood flow from the neck or blood splatters showing anywhere on the executioner. He says that in his opinion the video is definitely a fraud.
The CIA claims that the man who decapitated Nick Berg in the video above is Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. However all the videos released of Zarqawi around this time show a much heavier set guy than one pictured above. Everyone knew what Zarqawi looked like so it would not be necessary for him to wear a mask to hide his face. In fact, Zarqawi never once hid his face in any propaganda video released to the public. The video is entitled, “Abu Musab al-Zarqawi slaughters an American”, so why put his name on it and not show his face? That does not make sense. This leads me to believe that the person in the video was definitely NOT Zarqawi and was someone pretending to be him. This makes perfect sense.
The guy in the video appears to be wearing a gold wedding ring. Arabs are forbidden to wear gold jewelry such as rings. Wedding rings are a western tradition, not an Arab one. Zarqawi was known to have an artificial leg and a tattoo on his hand, the guy in the video had neither of these. In fact his hands were white like a caucasian person’s hands. This guy is clearly way too skinny to be Zarqawi.
Was the Berg decapitation video was filmed inside the Abu Ghraib prison?
I became very suspicious of this video when I first saw a photograph of the purported Nicholas Berg sitting in front of his captors on a white plastic chair which looked very familiar. This type of white plastic chair is very common in the United States, but extremely uncommon in Iraq. In addition, the orange prison overalls he was wearing in the video looked mighty familiar as well.
Notice the standard US Military Police issued prisoner overalls that Nicholas Berg is wearing in the photo on the left. The orange color prisoner overalls that Nicholas Berg is wearing are identical to the ones Islamic prisoners are made to wear by the US Military Police at the Guantanamo, Cuba prison as shown in the photo on the right.
Notice the white plastic chair that Nicholas Berg is sitting on as shown in the photo on the left. It is identical to the white plastic chair that the now infamous PFC. Lyndie England is sitting on at the Abu Ghraib prison as shown in the photo on the right. This same white plastic chair can also be seen in other photos from the prison below.
The color and texture of the wall as shown in the two terrorist photos above on the left and in the center are the same as those of the Abu Ghraib prison shown on the right.
The most telling evidence that the video of the decapitation of Nicholas Berg was taken inside the Abu Ghraib prison can only be detected by performing a frame by frame analysis. We did just that and some revealing frames came up that are difficult to see if the video is played on normal speed. Towards the end of the video, at frames 9306 through 9368, a person with a US military cap temporarily pokes about a quarter of his left head into the video. His neck, left ear and part of his cap and visor can be seen. We have prepared the animated gif above on the left with just the relevant frames that clearly shows this. Look at the right hand side as someone with a military cap, possibly with a second video camera, pokes his head into the video. Also, the animated photo on the right. shows part of his military jacket. Compare this animated gif with the MP whose cap is circled in the picture below.
Anyone who views the video above will clearly see that it is fake. The five so call terrorists are fake. The one on the extreme right is pudgy and is wearing very clean tennis shoes. Al-Qaeda fighters generally don’t wear clean tennis shoes. Also, this photo shows that at least three of them are wearing Israeli Uzi ammunition clips. The Uzi can been seen when the operative on the extreme right adjusts the assault rifle. Look at the garb that all five are wearing. They look like Halloween costumes.
Was Berg an Israeli Spy?
Nick Berg was detained in Mosul on March 24 by Iraqi police at a checkpoint. His family claims he was turned over to U.S. officials and held for 13 days without access to legal counsel. FBI agents visited his parents to confirm his identity on March 31, but he was not immediately released. After his parents filed suit in federal court in Philadelphia on April 5, claiming that he was being held illegally, he was released from custody. The U.S. maintains that at no time was Berg in coalition custody, but rather that he was held by Iraqi forces. The Mosul police deny they ever arrested Berg, and Berg’s family has turned over an email from the U.S. consul stating “I have confirmed that your son, Nick, is being detained by the U.S. military in Mosul.”
So who exactly was holding Berg during this time period? Was it the United States military or the Iraqi police?
I don’t blame the United States Military and the Iraqi police of being suspicious of Nick Berg. He was carrying a passport that had just been stamped with an Israeli visa as well as an entry and exit stamp indicating that he had just come from Israel. He liked to travel at night, which was by far the most dangerous time to travel in Iraq. He also had a suspicious background dating back a few years.
Nick Berg had been investigated during the U.S. government’s investigation of Zacarias Moussaoui. Berg’s email address had been used by Moussaoui prior to the September 11, 2001 attacks. According to Berg’s father, Nick Berg had a chance encounter with an acquaintance of Moussaoui on a bus in Norman, Oklahoma. This person had asked to borrow Berg’s laptop computer to send an email. Berg gave the details of his own email account and password, which were later used by Moussaoui.
I find it too much of a coincidence for Nick Berg to have run into Moussaoui and have him coincidentally find out personal account information without him having connections to Israeli Intelligence or Al Qaeda.
We can safely assume that Nick Berg is dead. How or when he died we do not know. The video appears to be staged and he was most likely either dead before they filmed the video or he died of some other causes. This would not be the first time that the American Military has filmed a staged scene for their own personal propaganda. The Jessica Lynch rescue was filmed as a dramatic rescue even though she was being treated at a public hospital without a single insurgent or Iraqi military personnel guarding her.
Nick Berg’s body was found hanging upside down from a Baghdad overpass. His body was quickly identified by the United States military. His head was never found.
Get Casino Comps Like a Jew!
Most casinos offer various forms of comps or free items to encourage people to gamble more. These comps can be in the form of free drinks, free food, free hotel rooms, and my personal favorite free cash which is essential a small rebate on the money that you have spent gambling.
Most casinos base these comps on how much money you spend at the casino. They use players club cards like the ones above to track your casino play. I have found that most casinos give you a dollar for every 500 points that you earn. You get 1 point for each dollar that passes through the slot machines, card tables, or other games. This does not mean that you only $1 for every $500 spent, it means that you get $1 for every $500 that passes through in play.
Getting casino comps can be extremely expensive, however there are several tricks to get maximum casino comps without costing you a single penny.
Slot Machines
Most slot machines have a small card slot at the top of the machine where you insert your player’s club card to track your slot machine play. For every $500 that runs through the machine you get $1 as a rebate. This is such a small rebate that most people do not even bother with using the player’s club cards. So why not get a player’s club card and place it into an empty machine and leave it there. Let an unknowing player sit at the machine and run money through the machine adding points to your card and earning you a cash rebate.
Most casinos allow you to have unlimited player’s club cards for playing in multiple machines so this will allow you to put multiple cards into multiple machines with multiple players adding points to your card. People won’t even realize that a card is in the machine and if they do, they normally pull it out and leave it near the machine thinking that someone just forgot it there.
Card Tables
They also track comps at the card tables, however they do it differently. At the card tables they track comps based on how many bills you change into poker chips and they use a different scale of 200 to 1. Therefore they will give you a $1 rebate for every $200 converted into chips.
So why not purchase the poker chips, sit around the table, walk around, and then cash the chips back into bills at the cashier counters? This will allow you to earn comps without even playing! Return to the tables again to purchase more chips and earn even more comps.
If you don’t play, you can’t win, but you also can’t lose. So don’t play and just exchange the money for chips!
At the Casino Bar - FREE DRINKS!!!
They also offer comps at the casino bar, but these are usually in the form of Free Drinks. At the bars they normally have video poker machines and offer you one free drink for every $10 roll of quarters that you purchase to play at these video poker machines. Well at least in Vegas they do!
So why not purchase the $10 roll of quarters, get your free drink, and then walk away to change your $10 roll of quarters back into a ten dollar bill. You can repeat this process and get free drinks all night using the same $10 bill.
Using the tricks above you can get free Casino Comps like a real Jew. Welcome to Jewvegas!
Introduction
Hello, my name is David.
To answer your question. Yes, I am a Jew. You may have heard people refer to me and my kind as Kikes, Heebs, Yids, and my own personal favorite, Red Sea Pedestrians.
I am the sexiest Kike ever!
However, I may also be the world’s worst Jew. I honestly don’t know shit about my own religion and what I do know I find to be rather ridiculous. I do happen to be circumcised and when I was fourteen years old I had a Bar Mitzvah, but didn’t really care about it. For all you gentiles out there, during the service of the Bar Mitzvah (the boring part), the Bar Mitzvah-ee has to sing from a portion of the Torah. Yes, sing! You need to sing it like an actual song. I forget what my portion was about, but who really cares. The point is that I was supposed to study my portion so that I could sing it. Did I study? Fuck No! I didn’t even take a single look at the damn thing. I had all these sessions with the cantor (the guy who sings prayers during the service) and I was so awful that he totally gave up on me. He said that I could just read my portion directly out of the Torah as long as I kept studying.
I never studied. I hardly even studied for regular school so it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever study for Hebrew School. I just didn’t care. So obviously when I had to read from the Torah on the day of my Bar Mitzvah, I was totally fucked. The thing was total gibberish. There I was standing in front of family and friends and I did not have a single clue what to do. The strange thing was that I was not the least bit nervous because the rabbi kept whispering the words into my ear. I basically just repeated what the rabbi said. This was kind of like a major league baseball player using a tee during the World Series, but somehow I made it through. After I was done, the rabbi took me aside and dished out the only line of advice that a wise rabbi could give. She said, “Okay, you really did not do that good of a job.”
Wow. I am probably the only Jew who ever had a rabbi insult him right after he read from the Torah. I just shrugged and never let it bother me, because…
A) I really did do a terrible job.
B) I did not care that I did a bad job.
C) No one knew that I did a bad job.
D) My rabbi was a total cunt.
After I read my portion from the Torah, she was supposed to give a small speech about me. So what did she say? Here it comes. Hold onto your hats, folks… “David is a fine young man.” Then she moved on. That was it! What a bitch! It turns out that she only gives great speeches about kids whose parents gave money to the temple. This one asshole kid got into trouble countless times and could be a total prick to me and the other kids, but when it came to his Bar Mitzvah, she gave a fantastic speech about him because his parents gave a huge donation to the temple!
So you may think that I am a self-hating Jew, but I am so far from it! I am very proud that I am Jewish and when my non-Jewish friends get a little too comfortable with their joking, I tell them where to cram it. In general, I just hate religion. Well, I guess that “hate” is a really harsh word. Religion is fine to a point, but don’t let it run your entire life. I don’t want to start a huge theological discussion here, but when a couple has 18 children and they want more because they believe that God wants them to, an alarm should go off in your head that those two people are not playing with a full deck. It has nothing to do with God. The couple was horny as hell, they fucked, they did not use birth control and so the wife got pregnant. God had absolutely nothing to do with it. Maybe, God did watch it happen from above and jacked off to it from up high, but that’s it.
“We both just love children and we consider each one to be a blessing from the Lord,” said Jim Bob Duggar to CNN, a man from Arkansas whose wife just gave birth to their 18th child. “I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some then she will accept them.”
“Go fuck yourself,” said the Lord. “Don’t get me involved with your wife’s tremendous, baby-spewing vagina. You white trash rednecks breed like rabbits. Use birth control!”
To me, all religions are the same. You sit through a very long, boring service and just wish that it would end. You read a bunch of prayers that basically say the same things, such as the following: “God is great. God is the best. God makes my life perfect. God you make me so happy and I worship you.” There. We just covered every type of religious service in the world.
ISRAEL
I cannot stand Israel. Not the country. Not the people. Just the whole Jewish American youth’s idea of Israel. You may not know what I am talking about so let me explain. Jewish suburban kids love Israel. They totally think that it’s their destiny to visit Israel and have an amazing time. So they go off to Israel with their ripped khaki shorts, leather sandals, Dave Matthews Band shirts, and hemp necklaces in groups and come back like a bunch of brainwashed freaks. Now don’t get me wrong. I am sure that Israel is a really lovely place with many great sites and it’s terrific that my people have their own homeland… but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! The kids that visit come back so obnoxious. All they will talk about is “Oh Israel this, Israel that, Israel this other thing! I can’t wait to go back…” Say goodbye to your friend that went to Israel - he is now a total nutcase.
This is what I know about Israel:
- There is lots of sand.
- The people there speak Hebrew.
- Once in a while some Palestinian terrorist will blow himself up in a crowded mall.
- Really shitty trance music is popular there.
- Any Israeli soldier could kill you using only a drinking straw.
- It’s fucking hot.
And know what else? Most Israelis are not that religious. They also think that American kids who are transformed into Israel lovers when they visit are complete morons. Just think about it, locals here in New York think that tourists always get in the way, so Israelis must think the exact same thing about their own tourists. So I am really doing them a favor by not visiting. Do you think that they want dumb Americans hanging around? I wouldn’t.
When I mention my anti-visit Israel stance to my fellow Jews, they always get mad. When they keep babbling on and on about Israel and ask me if I ever went or want to go. When I say “no”, they just cannot accept it.
IDIOT: “Do you ever want to go to Israel?”
ME: “No, I do not.”
IDIOT: “Why not?”
ME: “Because I don’t want to.”
IDIOT: “What do you mean that you don’t want to go? Every Jew should go!”
ME: “Why?”
IDIOT: “Because it’s your homeland.”
ME: “No, America is my homeland.”
IDIOT: “No, its not! Israel is every Jew’s homeland! How could you talk about your homeland like that?”
ME: “Ya know. Thanks to you, I vow to never step foot inside of Israel.”
IDIOT: “HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ?!?”
ME: “Dude, I don’t hate it. It’s like if someone asked me if I ever wanted to visit Mauritania. I’m sure Mauritania is a great place, but I really don’t want to visit it.”
IDIOT: “But it’s the Jewish homeland!”
ME: “That doesn’t mean that I have to go! I’m sure I will live a full and happy life without ever seeing Israel.”
To these assholes, it’s either that you love Israel and visit or you hate it and don’t visit. There is no in between. You either must visit or you’re a terrible Jew, they believe. Which brings me to the finale of this part, which is aimed at all the Israel-obsessed Americans: If you guys love Israel so much, THEN FUCKING MOVE THERE!!! If everything is so much better in Israel - the food, the people, the music, the weather, the jobs - move there! Shut your fucking mouths about how much better it is and buy a damn plane ticket to Tel Aviv AND DON’T COME BACK! You guys don’t want America anymore? Then Fine. Then America does not want you either. Stop using our resources and facilities and leave, motherfuckers.
JEWISH HOLIDAYS
Still don’t think that I am a bad Jew? Below is a list of Jewish holidays and what I know about them.
Rosh Hashana - This is the Jewish New Year and it takes place between early September and late October. First of all, why in the hell does the date change from year-to-year? Shouldn’t New Years Day always fall on the same date? Secondly according to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5769, which make the absence of flying cars completely unforgivable. I mean, sheesh! It’s already 5769 and we still don’t have any flying cars?
Yom Kipper - This is a day where you don’t eat. If you manage to pull through, you will be cleared of all sins for the past year in God’s eyes. Little known fact: If you convert to Judaism in prison and observe Yom Kipper, your sentence automatically expires and you are free to leave. Just kidding! Bubba will still fuck you up the ass come shower time - you will just be really hungry when he does it.
Sukkot - Some Jes build a stupid booth and hang vegetables from it’s ceiling or some shit. I don’t know why. I guess it kills some time.
Simchat Torah - I don’t know. It has something to do with the Torah?
Hannukah - The Jewish Christmas. I know that calling it that is blasphemous, but they both occur around the same time of the year and both holidays include presents. My mom lights an eight-pronged lamp called a menorah, which is the only Jewish thing that my family does anymore (except for ordering Chinese food on Sundays and Christmas). It also satisfies her guilty conscience of being such a bad Jew. Anyway, a long time ago, some Jewish people were going through some tough times. They lit a lamp that only had enough oil to last a day. It ended up lasting eight days so they considered it a miracle. It’s kind of a lame miracle if you ask me. I mean, when my car’s fuel light turns on and my car ends up going 50 more miles, I do not consider it a miracle and certainly would not consider making a holiday out of it!
Tu Bishvat - I have no clue???
Purim - Some camel jockey named Haman wanted to kill all the Jews in his kingdom. He was foiled and hung at the gallows. He wore a triangle hat. Now some terrible cookies called Hamantaschen are eaten on this day. Go figure!
Passover - The most boring holiday of all. A few years ago my family went to a Passover dinner at the house of a really religious family all the way in fucking New Jersey. My cousin married into these nutcases, so we’re not really related to them. Anyway, the dinner totally SUCKED. They prayed beforehand, but because they were so religious, it was a good two hours. It was so boring that I was ready to take my steak knife and stab my hand. Seriously, I dangled the knife just above my hand, wondering if tending to a major wound would be better than sitting through this prayer that would never end. They expected everyone at the table to know it. They asked me to read a passage, but when I told them that I had no idea what to do they were all totally offended of course.
To get back to it, Passover celebrates the liberation of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. They wandered the desert for 40 fucking years. They had no yeast, so any bread that they tried to bake would be a tasteless cracker. That cracker was matzoh. Man, I hate that shit. There is no damn taste anywhere. And the holiday expects you to eat nothing with yeast for a week! Screw that! I think that these Jews that toiled in the desert for 40 years would be glad that we have bread with yeast! They were eating their matzoh probably thinking, “This shit sucks! Hopefully one day our children won’t have to deal with this tasteless crap!” Now their ghosts look down at us like we’re a bunch of idiots and screaming, “WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU EATING MATZOH?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE TOILED AND SUFFERED SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO EAT THIS SHIT?!?”
Sefirah - No friggin’ clue!
Shavuot - Jews run into the street naked, throwing rotten tomatoes at each other. It lasts exactly 29 minutes and on the 30th minute, everyone just dances. When that minute is over, everyone goes their way and resumes their normal lives. Just kidding! I have no fucking idea what Shavuot is.
Tisha B’Av - He was the bounty hunter from Star Wars, right?
Shabbat - In the name of Walter Sobchak…
“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON’T FUCKING ROLL! SHOMER SHABBAS!”
I would have to be out of my fucking mind to observe this. Stay in the house all day Saturday with no electronics? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE ISRAEL
I happen to live in a very Jewish area. It’s a small Long Island community known as Cedarhurst or Little Israel. We have a lot of these people walking around:
See that dude on the right? That’s no hat. THAT’S HIS FUCKING HAIR!!!
These people are known as Hasidic Jews, or as I call them, Hardcore Jews. They are nice folks, although a little conservative… obviously. These people literally think that they own Cedarhurst and it seems that way. Through their presence alone they shut down businesses. This is because Hardcore Jews don’t do anything from Friday night all the way to Saturday night, just like Walter Sobchak.
Yes, the Hardcores do all their weekend shopping on Sunday. This does not work well for businesses, who are open on Saturday, but closed on Sunday. But whatever, it’s their custom and they own this town, so it’s not their fault. This is not why they think they own Cedarhurst. During the week and on Saturday night, the main street of Cedarhurst (Central Avenue) is brutal. Every Hardcore Jew in this town double parks. They totally fuck up traffic and they really do not care.
If you look down Central Avenue, you will see double parked cars for miles. People in downtown New York City do not double park as much. The police fine people for double parking, but the Hardcores do not care and they STILL double park even after being fined! It’s incredible. I know that I shouldn’t be talking about my own people like this, but they’re breaking the law with their double parked cars totally gets in my way. Maybe if they observed traffic laws people would not hate Jews as much. You need to put in some effort to get the gentiles to like us, Hardcores!
Fuck you all! Not all Jews can tell jokes, you anti-semitic pieces of shit!
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