Introduction
Hello, my name is David.
To answer your question. Yes, I am a Jew. You may have heard people refer to me and my kind as Kikes, Heebs, Yids, and my own personal favorite, Red Sea Pedestrians.
I am the sexiest Kike ever!
However, I may also be the world’s worst Jew. I honestly don’t know shit about my own religion and what I do know I find to be rather ridiculous. I do happen to be circumcised and when I was fourteen years old I had a Bar Mitzvah, but didn’t really care about it. For all you gentiles out there, during the service of the Bar Mitzvah (the boring part), the Bar Mitzvah-ee has to sing from a portion of the Torah. Yes, sing! You need to sing it like an actual song. I forget what my portion was about, but who really cares. The point is that I was supposed to study my portion so that I could sing it. Did I study? Fuck No! I didn’t even take a single look at the damn thing. I had all these sessions with the cantor (the guy who sings prayers during the service) and I was so awful that he totally gave up on me. He said that I could just read my portion directly out of the Torah as long as I kept studying.
I never studied. I hardly even studied for regular school so it would be a cold day in hell before I would ever study for Hebrew School. I just didn’t care. So obviously when I had to read from the Torah on the day of my Bar Mitzvah, I was totally fucked. The thing was total gibberish. There I was standing in front of family and friends and I did not have a single clue what to do. The strange thing was that I was not the least bit nervous because the rabbi kept whispering the words into my ear. I basically just repeated what the rabbi said. This was kind of like a major league baseball player using a tee during the World Series, but somehow I made it through. After I was done, the rabbi took me aside and dished out the only line of advice that a wise rabbi could give. She said, “Okay, you really did not do that good of a job.”
Wow. I am probably the only Jew who ever had a rabbi insult him right after he read from the Torah. I just shrugged and never let it bother me, because…
A) I really did do a terrible job.
B) I did not care that I did a bad job.
C) No one knew that I did a bad job.
D) My rabbi was a total cunt.
After I read my portion from the Torah, she was supposed to give a small speech about me. So what did she say? Here it comes. Hold onto your hats, folks… “David is a fine young man.” Then she moved on. That was it! What a bitch! It turns out that she only gives great speeches about kids whose parents gave money to the temple. This one asshole kid got into trouble countless times and could be a total prick to me and the other kids, but when it came to his Bar Mitzvah, she gave a fantastic speech about him because his parents gave a huge donation to the temple!
So you may think that I am a self-hating Jew, but I am so far from it! I am very proud that I am Jewish and when my non-Jewish friends get a little too comfortable with their joking, I tell them where to cram it. In general, I just hate religion. Well, I guess that “hate” is a really harsh word. Religion is fine to a point, but don’t let it run your entire life. I don’t want to start a huge theological discussion here, but when a couple has 18 children and they want more because they believe that God wants them to, an alarm should go off in your head that those two people are not playing with a full deck. It has nothing to do with God. The couple was horny as hell, they fucked, they did not use birth control and so the wife got pregnant. God had absolutely nothing to do with it. Maybe, God did watch it happen from above and jacked off to it from up high, but that’s it.
“We both just love children and we consider each one to be a blessing from the Lord,” said Jim Bob Duggar to CNN, a man from Arkansas whose wife just gave birth to their 18th child. “I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some then she will accept them.”
“Go fuck yourself,” said the Lord. “Don’t get me involved with your wife’s tremendous, baby-spewing vagina. You white trash rednecks breed like rabbits. Use birth control!”
To me, all religions are the same. You sit through a very long, boring service and just wish that it would end. You read a bunch of prayers that basically say the same things, such as the following: “God is great. God is the best. God makes my life perfect. God you make me so happy and I worship you.” There. We just covered every type of religious service in the world.
ISRAEL
I cannot stand Israel. Not the country. Not the people. Just the whole Jewish American youth’s idea of Israel. You may not know what I am talking about so let me explain. Jewish suburban kids love Israel. They totally think that it’s their destiny to visit Israel and have an amazing time. So they go off to Israel with their ripped khaki shorts, leather sandals, Dave Matthews Band shirts, and hemp necklaces in groups and come back like a bunch of brainwashed freaks. Now don’t get me wrong. I am sure that Israel is a really lovely place with many great sites and it’s terrific that my people have their own homeland… but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! The kids that visit come back so obnoxious. All they will talk about is “Oh Israel this, Israel that, Israel this other thing! I can’t wait to go back…” Say goodbye to your friend that went to Israel - he is now a total nutcase.
This is what I know about Israel:
- There is lots of sand.
- The people there speak Hebrew.
- Once in a while some Palestinian terrorist will blow himself up in a crowded mall.
- Really shitty trance music is popular there.
- Any Israeli soldier could kill you using only a drinking straw.
- It’s fucking hot.
And know what else? Most Israelis are not that religious. They also think that American kids who are transformed into Israel lovers when they visit are complete morons. Just think about it, locals here in New York think that tourists always get in the way, so Israelis must think the exact same thing about their own tourists. So I am really doing them a favor by not visiting. Do you think that they want dumb Americans hanging around? I wouldn’t.
When I mention my anti-visit Israel stance to my fellow Jews, they always get mad. When they keep babbling on and on about Israel and ask me if I ever went or want to go. When I say “no”, they just cannot accept it.
IDIOT: “Do you ever want to go to Israel?”
ME: “No, I do not.”
IDIOT: “Why not?”
ME: “Because I don’t want to.”
IDIOT: “What do you mean that you don’t want to go? Every Jew should go!”
ME: “Why?”
IDIOT: “Because it’s your homeland.”
ME: “No, America is my homeland.”
IDIOT: “No, its not! Israel is every Jew’s homeland! How could you talk about your homeland like that?”
ME: “Ya know. Thanks to you, I vow to never step foot inside of Israel.”
IDIOT: “HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ?!?”
ME: “Dude, I don’t hate it. It’s like if someone asked me if I ever wanted to visit Mauritania. I’m sure Mauritania is a great place, but I really don’t want to visit it.”
IDIOT: “But it’s the Jewish homeland!”
ME: “That doesn’t mean that I have to go! I’m sure I will live a full and happy life without ever seeing Israel.”
To these assholes, it’s either that you love Israel and visit or you hate it and don’t visit. There is no in between. You either must visit or you’re a terrible Jew, they believe. Which brings me to the finale of this part, which is aimed at all the Israel-obsessed Americans: If you guys love Israel so much, THEN FUCKING MOVE THERE!!! If everything is so much better in Israel - the food, the people, the music, the weather, the jobs - move there! Shut your fucking mouths about how much better it is and buy a damn plane ticket to Tel Aviv AND DON’T COME BACK! You guys don’t want America anymore? Then Fine. Then America does not want you either. Stop using our resources and facilities and leave, motherfuckers.
JEWISH HOLIDAYS
Still don’t think that I am a bad Jew? Below is a list of Jewish holidays and what I know about them.
Rosh Hashana - This is the Jewish New Year and it takes place between early September and late October. First of all, why in the hell does the date change from year-to-year? Shouldn’t New Years Day always fall on the same date? Secondly according to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5769, which make the absence of flying cars completely unforgivable. I mean, sheesh! It’s already 5769 and we still don’t have any flying cars?
Yom Kipper - This is a day where you don’t eat. If you manage to pull through, you will be cleared of all sins for the past year in God’s eyes. Little known fact: If you convert to Judaism in prison and observe Yom Kipper, your sentence automatically expires and you are free to leave. Just kidding! Bubba will still fuck you up the ass come shower time - you will just be really hungry when he does it.
Sukkot - Some Jes build a stupid booth and hang vegetables from it’s ceiling or some shit. I don’t know why. I guess it kills some time.
Simchat Torah - I don’t know. It has something to do with the Torah?
Hannukah - The Jewish Christmas. I know that calling it that is blasphemous, but they both occur around the same time of the year and both holidays include presents. My mom lights an eight-pronged lamp called a menorah, which is the only Jewish thing that my family does anymore (except for ordering Chinese food on Sundays and Christmas). It also satisfies her guilty conscience of being such a bad Jew. Anyway, a long time ago, some Jewish people were going through some tough times. They lit a lamp that only had enough oil to last a day. It ended up lasting eight days so they considered it a miracle. It’s kind of a lame miracle if you ask me. I mean, when my car’s fuel light turns on and my car ends up going 50 more miles, I do not consider it a miracle and certainly would not consider making a holiday out of it!
Tu Bishvat - I have no clue???
Purim - Some camel jockey named Haman wanted to kill all the Jews in his kingdom. He was foiled and hung at the gallows. He wore a triangle hat. Now some terrible cookies called Hamantaschen are eaten on this day. Go figure!
Passover - The most boring holiday of all. A few years ago my family went to a Passover dinner at the house of a really religious family all the way in fucking New Jersey. My cousin married into these nutcases, so we’re not really related to them. Anyway, the dinner totally SUCKED. They prayed beforehand, but because they were so religious, it was a good two hours. It was so boring that I was ready to take my steak knife and stab my hand. Seriously, I dangled the knife just above my hand, wondering if tending to a major wound would be better than sitting through this prayer that would never end. They expected everyone at the table to know it. They asked me to read a passage, but when I told them that I had no idea what to do they were all totally offended of course.
To get back to it, Passover celebrates the liberation of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. They wandered the desert for 40 fucking years. They had no yeast, so any bread that they tried to bake would be a tasteless cracker. That cracker was matzoh. Man, I hate that shit. There is no damn taste anywhere. And the holiday expects you to eat nothing with yeast for a week! Screw that! I think that these Jews that toiled in the desert for 40 years would be glad that we have bread with yeast! They were eating their matzoh probably thinking, “This shit sucks! Hopefully one day our children won’t have to deal with this tasteless crap!” Now their ghosts look down at us like we’re a bunch of idiots and screaming, “WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU EATING MATZOH?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE TOILED AND SUFFERED SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO EAT THIS SHIT?!?”
Sefirah - No friggin’ clue!
Shavuot - Jews run into the street naked, throwing rotten tomatoes at each other. It lasts exactly 29 minutes and on the 30th minute, everyone just dances. When that minute is over, everyone goes their way and resumes their normal lives. Just kidding! I have no fucking idea what Shavuot is.
Tisha B’Av - He was the bounty hunter from Star Wars, right?
Shabbat - In the name of Walter Sobchak…
“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON’T FUCKING ROLL! SHOMER SHABBAS!”
I would have to be out of my fucking mind to observe this. Stay in the house all day Saturday with no electronics? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT!
BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE ISRAEL
I happen to live in a very Jewish area. It’s a small Long Island community known as Cedarhurst or Little Israel. We have a lot of these people walking around:
See that dude on the right? That’s no hat. THAT’S HIS FUCKING HAIR!!!
These people are known as Hasidic Jews, or as I call them, Hardcore Jews. They are nice folks, although a little conservative… obviously. These people literally think that they own Cedarhurst and it seems that way. Through their presence alone they shut down businesses. This is because Hardcore Jews don’t do anything from Friday night all the way to Saturday night, just like Walter Sobchak.
Yes, the Hardcores do all their weekend shopping on Sunday. This does not work well for businesses, who are open on Saturday, but closed on Sunday. But whatever, it’s their custom and they own this town, so it’s not their fault. This is not why they think they own Cedarhurst. During the week and on Saturday night, the main street of Cedarhurst (Central Avenue) is brutal. Every Hardcore Jew in this town double parks. They totally fuck up traffic and they really do not care.
If you look down Central Avenue, you will see double parked cars for miles. People in downtown New York City do not double park as much. The police fine people for double parking, but the Hardcores do not care and they STILL double park even after being fined! It’s incredible. I know that I shouldn’t be talking about my own people like this, but they’re breaking the law with their double parked cars totally gets in my way. Maybe if they observed traffic laws people would not hate Jews as much. You need to put in some effort to get the gentiles to like us, Hardcores!
Fuck you all! Not all Jews can tell jokes, you anti-semitic pieces of shit!
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I love you Jewish Boy.
The one who writes this blog seems to like what he posts. Perhaps he feels that this is just cool. If so, I beg you to rethink this. But in geneneral, it is not. Who is all this helping? Please rethink this and have a good day. Maybe check out http://www.aish.com or http://www.chabad.org etc.
david honey,
did you write all of that?
the part about israel and the hollydays too?
i’m like 10 minutes away from crying on your soon to be dissapearance from our people.
i’m from israel.
see - you dont have to be religious. yes religion is a bitch, but my friend,
you have to know about your history - like what are the hollydays for exsample - you dont have to observe them, just know what is being celebrated.
look - if you want to know more - ask for my e-male here. i’m really not religious!
but honey - how are you a jew? not a bad one but an ignorate one. you probibly know more about basketball then of what jews do.
a few things:
the jewish people have their oun callendar. it has not only a year number - but also months. these go by loonar time and the january-december callendar goes by sun time. they are not the same - hannuka doesn’t allways come at christmas. you know its wrong making them eqwal - in reallity you don’t get 8 presents. you maybe get money from your parents and grandparents - maybe. the miracle is that the jewish people survived, commemorated by a miracle which may or may not happend.
honey, israel is your land - if you choose it to be. if it payed better a lot more jews will be here. israel does not represent you, it will stand for you and accept you - when no other will - as was the case before, during and after WWII, as you well know!
and what saddens me the most - show me a french man not in france that speaks no french, or a russian that knows no russian. but jews dont know hebrew, or what to learn from history, or their oun history - or why we are carefull among other religions - espechially the christian, who fought us tooth and nail throu out history to kill or convert us.
in my eyes - you dont have to do the religious stuff. but all you do is marry a non jewish woman - and all your line is lost to the jewish people. sad really. i dont think you are a bad jew. you are not in denile - you are just an ignirant one.
those american kids that visit israel maybe get their eyes open to how ignorant they were and learning new - old things make them happy.
and israel is not that bad - the opposite. maybe come and visit - i wont tell you are against it…
as i said - write to me if you want me to explain stuff to you.
nomish@walla.co.il
sorry for the spelling.
nomi from israel